


Together We'll be Strange

by Minew



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Bromance, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Schizophrenia, Secrets, bros, broship, mentaldisorder, mentalillness, parents are difficult, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-06 20:08:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15202499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: Kim Jongdae, a schizophrenic, meets Park Chanyeol, an elementary school teacher, on a scary night.- A story about secrets, happiness and meeting people with secrets, fears, unhappiness and everything inbetween.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story actually serves two purposes. 
> 
> One; writing more platonic EXO because friendship-stories are absolutely amazing. (And Chenyeol is great, you can't deny it).
> 
> Two; showing that a mental disorder doesn't make you less human and that there will be people out there for you, who may not understand exactly what you're going through but who will always have your back when you need someone to lean on.
> 
>  
> 
> I do not suffer from schizophrenia myself and I do not suffer from visual, olfactory or auditory hallucinations but I've done my research and I hope it provides even just a little justice to the disorder.
> 
> This story started as a oneshot collab between me and heclgehog on AFF but I was given permission to finish it and post it as my own. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Jongdae sighs as he stares at the suitcase in front of him. Ten years worth of memories and livelihood reduced to a basic brown container. He’s going home. Jongdae isn’t even sure he wants to go home, not knowing what is going to be waiting for him except misery. His parents don’t know what they are getting themselves into. They only want their perfect son back, a normal family, a happy life. But he can’t give them that.

A snicker sounds behind him and Jongdae bites his left cheek when the snicker turns into full on laughter. There’s no one behind him, his mind is laughing at him, but he can deal with the laughter, the giggles, the snickers. Jongdae is just waiting for the words to mix in with the laughter, the reminders that his mind is his enemy and the reason he can’t ever provide his parents with the family they want.

 _You’re stupid_ , they start out. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_.

Jongdae is inclined to agree but he knows that he can’t give in to the voices. He needs to ignore them and he needs to work on ignoring them, now that he’ll be leaving. There will be no one to hold him down when the voices become overwhelming, no one to bring him back to reality when his mind obscures it all.

He closes his eyes while he listens to the degrading words, the whispers of his stupidity, his inability to be the perfect man everybody wants him to be.

“Jongdae,” a female voice says and Jongdae opens his eyes to look at his favourite therapist. She sends him a sad smile when she enters the room and Jongdae sinks back against the wall and presses his knees against his chest. “You’ll be fine if you remember your medication. Don’t let the voices get to you. Remember, you haven’t had a psychosis in months now.”

Jongdae rests his chin on the top of his knees and looks at her.

“Are you sure?” he asks, unsure of his own abilities to keep it all at bay. She nods and sits down beside him on the bed.

Jongdae directs his gaze to his socked feet. He closes his eyes and focuses on the voices in his mind that repeatedly tells him how bad he is, how stupid he is, how worthless he is. He’s not supposed to focus on them but there’s no way to ignore something that’s inside his head. Plugging his ears keeps them in, but doesn’t make them softer.

Walking away doesn’t do anything since his mind follows him wherever he goes. The voices follow him wherever he goes. Still, Jongdae is going to do his best, if it means he’ll be able to survive in the world.

The woman pats his shoulder before she gets up from the bed and sends him another smile. She barely exits his room before another person enters. Jongdae opens his eyes but doesn’t look up from his socked feet.

“Jongdae, sweetheart,” his mother’s voice fills his ears. She squats in front of the suitcase and looks at him. “Are you done packing your things?”

She doesn’t wait for his answer before she closes the suitcase, pulling it with her as she stands. She reaches a hand out for Jongdae to take but he stays on the bed.

“Jongdae, come. Your father is waiting for you in the hall. Have you said goodbye to everyone?”

Jongdae lifts his head and looks at his mother. He nods and slowly stretches his legs so he can stand from his bed. As they walk out of the room, Jongdae gives it a last glance. His home for the past 10 years is suddenly no longer his and the comfort of the familiar space starts to leave as he knows it will no longer be his. In the hall is his father talking to a doctor.

They both look towards the mother and son as they enter. The doctor sends him a smile and continues his conversation with Jongdae’s father. The young man ignores them both in favour of leaving the mental hospital he has called home for so long.

 

Walking through the front doors of the facility, with the knowledge he is leaving brings an unsettling feeling. The pit of his stomach feels heavy, but he brushes it off. He’s a grown man. 25 shouldn’t be an age where he still feels nervous over new things.

Yet as he steps across the sunny parking lot, the faint breeze of spring brushing his bangs to the sides of his face, the dread doesn’t dissipate.

As he steps to the door behind the passenger’s side with his mother going ahead of him to open her own door, the voices fill his mind. Ringing in his ears hurt his head as a random scream clutters his thoughts, making the mild sunshine seem blinding to his now sensitive eyes.

Luckily his father finally appears on the other side of the car, reminding his son to open his door already and get inside the car. Jongdae decides to just sit behind his mother, feeling the middle seat is too childish, even if he wants to see both of his parent’s faces on the ride home.

“So sweetie, have you eaten yet?” the woman says from the front seat.

His father turns to look through the back dash as he has already started the car and is pulling out of the parking spot.

“Yeah. Same old same old,” Jongdae replies, blinking as he looks around the new car.

It’s a newer model than whatever they had dropped him off in so long ago.

“Your father got a promotion,” the woman said, making her husband nod in agreement as he turns the vehicle onto the road. Jongdae nods as well.

A brief silence hangs in the air as no one speaks for a moment. The young man looks out of the window, watching the tarmac run by as the car flies down the empty main road.

 

The hospital is located on the outskirts of town, far away from suburbs and corner stores and all the things cities have. Being brought back into this side of town feels so stale. He looks up to check what buildings now stand on the sides of the road. Most of them he still recognizes, but some are either new or ones he never paid attention to before.

“How are you doing?” his mother asks.

Jongdae stays quiet. Not the best, he thinks to himself.

“I’m fine,” he answers, pushing the corners of his mouth up in a small smile and catches her eyes in the rear-view mirror.

“That’s good,” she says with a relieved sigh.

Jongdae doesn’t really want to elaborate, but he knows that he will have to at one point. His mother won’t stay satisfied with only this. For now, he enjoys the silence. The silence doesn’t last long when his mother starts fidgeting in her seat.

“Do you see we’ve gotten a new car? It’s only a few years old but I cleaned it before we came to pick you up,” she says.

Jongdae snorts but nods.

“Yeah. It’s a nice one, mom.”

 

His mother continues on about the car like there’s nothing else to talk about. Maybe there really isn’t. Maybe they have been apart for so long that their relationship has revert to that of near strangers. He rests his head against the car seat and stares at the ceiling.

When he doesn’t answer her question, she turns around in her seat and Jongdae abruptly closes his eyes so he can pretend he’s asleep. He doesn’t fool his mother, but she quiets down and softly starts talking to her husband instead.

The car enters the parking basement 30 minutes later. The apartment building is made of grey concrete and hosts a myriad of identical apartments. Jongdae has spent his childhood in one of the apartments and the sight of the concrete pillars and the lines on the ground when he steps out of the car has distant childhood memories surfacing again. His father grabs his suitcase from the car and his mother walks ahead of them towards the elevator.

Jongdae bites his cheek as the voices in his mind tell him that he’s stupid. He steps onto the green lines and focuses on walking directly on them until he has to break away and follow his parents into the elevator.

 

“Home sweet home,” his father says when they step inside the apartment. Jongdae’s suitcase is left in the hallway with their shoes. The kitchen is no longer an ugly shade of dirty yellow and the living room is no longer carpeted.

There’s an old family portrait hanging over the television, showing the family as his mother had always dreamt of. A happy couple and their healthy, young son.

Jongdae walks closer with careful steps until he stands in front of the picture. He reaches out to gently touch the young boy and imagines what life could have been had he not been diagnosed and hospitalized with schizophrenia. His father joins him in the living room and puts a hand around his shoulder, surprising Jongdae and the young man turns away from the picture of what once was, what once could have been.

“It’s a nice picture, isn’t it?” the man asks, focusing on the image from so long ago.

Jongdae looks over at him, noticing the wrinkles on the sides of his eyes and corners of his faint smile. He can even spot a few grey hairs hidden in the dark hair.

“Yeah, it’s a good photo,” he says aloud but the voices in his mind shout otherwise.

 

He’s already had his medicine for today, but the thought of knowing where his mother plans to store it comes to mind. When he was younger she often doted on him and reminded him of things, which had sounded more like nagging to the already well-rounded boy. But he isn’t so well-rounded anymore. So maybe now her nagging will serve as helpful reminders to aid his sanity.

The man patting his shoulder brings him back to the current moment. His father turns around, heading to the couch. Jongdae hears his mother moving things in the kitchen, so he heads to see what she’s doing.

“Did you bring my medicine back?” he asks, expecting a ‘yes’.

“No,” she replies, facing the cupboards as she collects ingredients to start dinner.

Jongdae does a double take, not believing what he heard.

“You don’t need those silly things anymore. You’re healthy now, aren’t you?” she states more than asks while turning to face him.

He merely blinks, unsure of how to respond. He has been taking medication for the past decade to keep himself in control. It may not make him one-hundred percent sane, but a little less crazy is better than letting his delusions take control of him completely. Jongdae opens his mouth to respond.

“Our son is fine, right boy?” his father calls out from the other room.

Jongdae feels a headache scratch the front of his temple as snickering emerges from the back of his mind. He takes a deep breath, not wanting to upset his parents, but unable to speak. The noise coming from all the voices starts to run through his brain, deafening his own thoughts. He swallows as he looks at his mother who has turned back around, once again busy with her task.

 

Jongdae walks out of the room and sees his father on the couch watching television as if nothing is out of the ordinary. As if he isn’t in the same home as his schizophrenic son for the first time in years, a son he just picked up from the mental hospital.

“I’m not a psycho,” Jongdae whispers to himself.

“What is that?” one of his parents ask him, the snickering in his mind being too loud for him tell which one.

He just shakes his head and goes to his old bedroom. Once inside he flops down on the fresh comforter his mother must have recently washed. Not bothering to inspect the room to see if it’s changed, he closes his eyes and listens to the voices yell at him. Unable to think, unable to process what he should do, he sits and listens until his mind tires itself out and he falls asleep.

 

 

When Jongdae wakes up the next day to help his mother with grocery shop, reality slowly sneaks up on him. 

“Oh my goodness, is that Jongdae?” the voice of a random woman catches the young man’s ears.

His mother smiles proudly as the woman approaches them. The two women begin engaging in a conversation about Jongdae and how he is doing, not giving him any room to speak.

“So, they finally let you out of there huh?” the woman asks.

He does his best to not be taken aback, but his mother lets out a light fluttery laugh.

“We picked him up yesterday. He’s fine now. My healthy son has become so handsome, hasn’t he?” she says, making the other woman give a pitiful smile as Jongdae forces one himself.

“Why yes, yes, he has,” she says with a laugh.

Jongdae doesn’t understand what’s so hilarious, but chalks it up to middle aged women conversation that he just doesn’t understand.

But this isn’t the end of fake pleasant conversations. The shopping trip continues as multiple people stop them, pausing their browsing of produce to check up on the Kim’s ‘sick’ son. Jongdae forces a grin until his cheeks hurt, this being the first time in his life he is happy to hear voices in his head instead of being subject to pay attention to whatever these random people are saying about him.

Even when an old classmate confronts them, his mother takes the lead in saying her same spiel of how well and healthy he is now. Jongdae nods along when he sees his mother nod, his attention really on the berating comments in his mind, confirming that he is worth nothing, how much of an embarrassment he is to put his poor mother through the embarrassment of having such a worthless son.

 

Once they return home, Jongdae struggles to help his mother put away the groceries. Doing his best, he is still only able to put away a few things before he has to go back to his room and calm himself down. It’s the first day in who knows how long that he hasn’t had his medication and while the effects aren’t immediate, the worry causes him more grief than usual.

The evening comes and goes with his parents knocking on his door to come out for dinner, but he is unable to bring himself to follow their simple request. It doesn’t feel so simple now that he has been wrapped up in his mind, uninterested in any of the things his mother has gotten for him. He barely cared when she was showing them, and he can barely remember what they even are now that he is preoccupied.

After ten minutes, he stands up to open the door, his father’s voice coming from the other side. He swallows and tries his best to ignore the screams in his head. Until he hears a scream outside of his head, outside of his bedroom. It is a short yell, but he can make out it is his mother calling out to his father. Jongdae shakes his head and turns the handle, opening the door and following his father to the dinner table.

 

 

 

It starts mild as always. Jongdae is slowly getting used to the voices and their increasing volume now that he doesn’t get his medication but still he manages to convince his parents that he is healthy, free of the terrors of his mind.

It’s not that Jongdae has to stay in his bedroom at all times, it’s just safer that way. The feeling of being watched, of being observed follows him when he leaves the house and his room and the voices turn worse. So Jongdae retreats to his own safe spot, if only because it means less stress. His parents, however, aren’t happy with his isolation and they do their best to find him friends and coach him back into society.

Society is scary, though, and Jongdae can’t shake the feeling that something is after him when he shops with his mother or takes driving lessons with his father. It’s dangerous, he thinks, to be outside and do normal things when he can’t control his mind, but nobody seems to care. Jongdae hears the gossip from his window, listens in on conversations in the living room.

The Kim-son is strange, weird, sick. It doesn’t feel better to hear his parents fight in the evening. His mother cries at odd hours in the night, praying for someone to fix him, but Jongdae can’t be fixed.

 

 

 

It starts mild with a scent of coffee entering his nostrils in the middle of the night and waking him up. The house is silent save for the voices in his mind and Jongdae closes his eyes for a second or two before he forces himself out of bed. He tiptoes down the hallway and peeks into the kitchen only to find the coffee machine turned off and empty. There’s no coffee brewing but there’s definitely the scent of coffee in the house.

The voices laugh at him, at his failure, but Jongdae continues. He must find the source of the scent. In the living room is a cup on the coffee table. It’s empty, the bottom filled with the last few dried drops of coffee. It must come from here, Jongdae reasons.

He takes the cup with him to the kitchen, cleans it thoroughly in the night and goes back to bed but the scent doesn’t disappear.

 

 

 

There’s the smell of smoke in the air. Jongdae looks left, then right but finds no signs of fire. He turns to his mother who’s walking briskly beside him but she doesn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. The smell is there, though, Jongdae is certain. It creeps up his nostrils and has him grimacing and he reaches out to grab his mother’s sleeve.

“Mom, do you smell smoke?” he asks and she turns around to look at him quizzically.

“Smoke?” she asks. “Have you been smoking? Did they teach you such awful habits?”

Jongdae shakes his head and sniffs again. The smell is definitely there and it’s not the smell of cigarettes. No, it’s a fire burning somewhere and by the amount of smoke Jongdae smells, it’s not a small one either. Nowhere near shows any sign of fire, though.

The sun is shining from a blue sky and birds are singing happily in spring, but Jongdae’s panic increases when his mother frowns at him.

“What’s wrong with you? Do you have a fever?” she asks and fakes concern. It’s mostly for show because she can’t truly be concerned about him, he’s worthless. “Jongdae, come.”

She grabs his hand and forcefully drags him away from the curious eyes that are now looking at mother and son. Jongdae is too far gone in his fear to recognize old classmates and neighbours and he doesn’t hear the words that spread throughout the crowd.

The second they enter the hallway the smell disappears and Jongdae gasps relieved after air. His mother looks at him with increasing worry but says nothing as she retreats to the living room. Jongdae sinks towards the floor and closes his eyes, lets the voices drown him and the safety of his home comfort him.

 

 

 

Jongdae is 25 years old and he hasn’t showered in a week. The shower is dangerous. Someone has put a CCTV in there, Jongdae has seen it with his own eyes. When he asked his parents about it, they stared at him long and hard and did their best to convince him there was no CCTV. But Jongdae has seen it and he doesn’t trust his parents. Why should he if they allow strangers to look in on him showering.

His father has ordered him to shower, his mother has tried begging but both are unsuccessful. _The shower is dangerous_ , they tell him, the voices in his mind. _They’re looking at you, they’re coming for you. Don’t open the door, don’t answer your phone. They can’t find you here_. So Jongdae listens to the voices, hides under his blanket and loses weight because he can’t eat when people are watching him.

His parents’ fights grow in volume and Jongdae covers his ears but not even the voices of his own mind can drown out those of his parents when they discuss what to do with him. The only thing Jongdae wants is for it all to stop. He can’t leave his bedroom because people are looking at him, laughing at him, hurting him and he can’t stay either because the CCTV’s are watching, observing, planning his demise.

 

 

 

It grows stronger when the spiders suddenly crawl under the door to his bedroom. Jongdae shakes in fear as the voices tell him to squish them. He can’t do that, however, because they’re already on him, crawling up his arms and leaving red dents in their wake. He scratches and hits himself like he’s a madman and maybe he is, but Jongdae needs to get them away, needs to run away.

The spiders are small electronic devices, sent from the government to spy on him, to lodge themselves into his neck and control his every move, his every thought. He rises from his bed and violently shakes his body before he runs. His parents reach out towards him but fail to catch him in their fight and Jongdae runs. He runs from his home, from the spiders, from the government.

He runs from the voices although they follow him wherever he goes and spew comments that he doesn’t want to hear. _Worthless, stupid, worthless. Bad boy, Jongdae. You’re stupid, look at you run, stupid_. And he continues running until he’s out of breath and his legs are giving up. The spiders are coming after him and he sees them from the corner of his eyes. Jongdae doesn’t see the people looking at him like he’s crazy when he falls onto the pavement and cries.

“Help me,” he whispers and crawls from the spiders that are coming closer. “Help me.”

He doesn’t see nor does he hear people shouting at him. Slowly, even though all energy has left his body, he gets on his feet again, and drags his body towards the park.

“Make it go away,” he prays and they laugh at him. _It will never go awa_ y, they say. _We will never go away_. Jongdae screams when something grabs his foot and he falls forward onto the dirty pavement. His sobs grow stronger as he succumbs to the thoughts of dying.

Jongdae is 25 years old and the only thing he wants from life is death.

 

A man’s face comes into focus when Jongdae lifts his own from the green tiles. It’s marred with worry and confusion and Jongdae almost listens to the voices when they tell him it’s a nightmare of his own, an image his mind has conjured, someone that is out to get him. The man stays in front of him, though. His hair is dark brown, softly flowing into his brown eyes and the worry only strengthens when Jongdae doesn’t have the energy to look at him anymore.

“Are you okay? Do you need help?” he asks but Jongdae can’t hear him over the noise in his mind. Instead he just nods, hoping that he’s answering correctly.

“Can you stand?” the stranger asks again and Jongdae flinches as a strong arm grabs his skinny bicep and helps him into a sitting position. A scream splits his head in two and he cradles his forehead with his hands, tries desperately to claw his way inside. He can feel his hair tangle around his fingers as he pulls and the voices taunt him with degrading comments.

“I’ll take you to the hospital,” the man before him says and that’s all it takes for Jongdae’s world to turn quiet for a split second before it explodes into chaos.

 _The hospital_ , the voices screech. _We can’t go to the hospital! They’ll drug you. They’ll kill you. The hospital is dangerous, we can’t, we can’t_.

The man looks at him with concern before he pulls Jongdae with him as he stands. Jongdae can’t hear him talk but he can see his mouth moving. He’s shaking like a leaf, covering his ears and casting long glances over his shoulders as he’s carefully led to the stranger’s car.

 _They’re going to kill you, Jongdae_ , his voices shout. _The hospital, they’ll kill you. He’ll kill you. It’s a dangerous man. He’s sent by the government. The government is out to get you. The hospital will kill you. He’s got a gun. The government knows who you are. They’ll kill you. The hospital is dangerous. You’re stupid, so stupid. Don’t get closer. Stupid. They’ll kill you. Die. Die. Die. Stupid._

 

Jongdae screams as the car speeds down the main roads, weaving in between other cars.

“Stop it, stop it, stop it,” murmurs Jongdae before he screams again and clutches at the car door. The door is locked, however, and Jongdae pulls the handle desperately. The door doesn’t give away and Jongdae starts scratching at his skin as the spiders crawl on him again, waiting to bury into his skin and change him, alternate his personality.

 

It isn’t until the car stops in front of the hospital that the door unlocks. Jongdae tumbles out of the car and falls to the ground, his chauffeur hurrying to his side. He’s trying to crawl from the car and the hospital, but he doesn’t get very far before the man puts his hands on Jongdae’s shoulder. He can hear someone shout towards the hospital and he can see feet rushing, squishing spiders in the process. He doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not, not any more.

The voices demean him as he’s led into the hospital. Jongdae doesn’t feel the prick from the needle but he cries out when he sees a spider crawl towards the IV line in his hand and he violently shakes, pulling the plastic tube out in the process.

“No!” he screams when a doctor in a coat filled with blood steps inside with a syringe. “No,” he cries and pulls the blanket above his head. “Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me.”

He doesn’t feel the prick when the doctor’s make another IV line and he doesn’t feel the haloperidol as it slowly calms him down and lulls him into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When Jongdae wakes up, there’s eerily quiet in his mind compared to the chaos he fell asleep in. He can even hear two people talk a few feet away from him to his left.

“Are you his family?” a woman asks the other person. Jongdae can’t quite see them but there’s definitely two of them.

“Uuuuuh,” a man hesitates. “Yes, uhm, yes. He’s my brother.”

Jongdae frowns from where he’s lying in bed. He doesn’t have a brother. He may have spent 10 years in a mental hospital but his memories are not that far away and he knows he doesn’t have a brother.

“What’s his name?” the woman asks and the man hesitates once again. Jongdae turns his head so he can stare at the ceiling and close his eyes. He takes a deep breath before he decides to answer before the stranger that claims to be his brother ruins his own cover.

“Jongdae,” he says. “My name is Jongdae.”

Both the woman and the man turns to look at him. The woman steps closer, a stethoscope hanging around her neck and a clipboard in her hand. The man looks shaken, his hair a disarray in every direction and his eyes projecting concern.

“You’re awake,” the woman says and sends Jongdae a smile. “How are you feeling?”

Jongdae opens his eyes and looks at them. The voices have been reduced to a whisper, faint enough to easily ignore and he no longer hallucinates visually. It’s a relief, when he finally realizes that he’s done it, he’s survived another time.

“Better,” he says. He’s still exhausted, but the doctor nods. She’s satisfied with the answer, happy that the anti-psychotics have worked to reduce his psychosis. She may not know he’s a schizophrenic but Jongdae’s grateful she recognized his symptoms anyway.

When she leaves the room to tend to another patient, the man steps closer to Jongdae’s bed, clutching his jacket in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” he says and takes a deep breath. Jongdae tilts his head and looks at him quizzically. “I... I mean about … about saying that I’m your brother. I … panicked.”

Jongdae snorts a little and the man widens his eyes in surprise at the sound.

“It’s okay. My name’s Kim Jongdae. Thanks for ... you know.”

Jongdae gestures to the hospital bed and sends the stranger a kind smile. The man in front of him loosens up and his shoulders fall from the tense position they have been in for God knows how long. His eyes lighten up, just a little, the concern slowly fading away and a large smile spreads across his face, corners of his lips crawling upwards in genuine relief.

“I’m Park Chanyeol,” he says and sits down on the chair next to the bed. “It looked really scary, what happened to you?”

Jongdae debates for a second whether or not to tell Chanyeol the truth. He could lie and say he’s got a brain tumour and a month to live, but it wouldn’t feel right. He’s also too exhausted to really hide.

“Psychosis. I’m …” Jongdae hesitates before he continues. He goes back to the brain tumour lie, weighing pros and cons of admitting he’s mentally ill, but Chanyeol doesn’t seem like he’s judging. After all, Chanyeol just witnessed Jongdae go crazy and he treated him like an actual human instead of laughing at his struggle.

“I’m schizophrenic. My parents took away my medication and … look where that got me.”

He chuckles, hoping to make light of the situation but Chanyeol seems horrified.

“Why?” he asks in utter disbelief and Jongdae begins to regret telling Chanyeol about his disorder. He can’t avoid Chanyeol’s question, though, so he might as well just answer and get the judgment over with. If all goes wrong, he’ll be admitted again and maybe that won’t be the worst thing that could happen.

“I guess they want a normal family and having a son on meds to prevent him going insane isn’t exactly normal. So yay, I’m the crazy son who can’t do anything right.”

Chanyeol looks absolutely terrified when Jongdae stops talking.

“Are you going back home?” he asks after a brief moment of silence. Jongdae tilts his head and blinks a couple of times. He never really thought of that. He doesn’t want to go back home. His parents are undoubtedly going to fight again and it’ll be the same routine until he gets another psychosis, until he ends up in the hospital again and until he dies or kills someone in his psychosis. He shakes his head, movement restricted by the pillow but Chanyeol notices.

“Nah,” Jongdae says. “I’ll just … roam the streets for a few hours, maybe.”

Chanyeol stares at Jongdae before he, too, shakes his head.

“No, you’re not. I’m not letting you go back on the streets. You looked so frightened and how would you get your antipsychotics? Nope, I can’t let that happen. You’re coming with me.”

Jongdae stares back at Chanyeol when he finishes. What? the voices whisper in unison, echoing Jongdae’s own thoughts. Everything stands still while the wall clock ticks seconds away, letting everything sink over the two men in the room.

“I can’t go back with you,” he says in a whisper but Chanyeol shakes his head again and waves his hand to wave away Jongdae’s concern.

“Of course, you can. We’ll just tell Kyungsoo and Joonmyun you’re my friend sleeping over. It’ll be fine. And I will pay for your antipsychotics until your parents realize they’re wrong in taking them away from you. Have they even ever seen you psychotic? That shit was scary man. I’m not letting that happen to you again if I can prevent it.”

Jongdae doesn’t want to cry, he really doesn’t, so he quickly dries the tear that slips from his eye to his cheek in the pillow. When he looks at Chanyeol, he sends him a small, genuine smile.

“Thank you,” he says. Maybe strangers aren’t all horrible people.

 

 

Chanyeol is scarily tall. Jongdae didn’t notice when he was lying in bed but now that he stands beside the other man, he realizes that he’s a lot shorter. Jongdae would like to blame it on his disorder, just to make it fair, because Chanyeol being so tall really isn’t fair at all. Chanyeol just sends him a smile and lies to the pharmacist when he pays for the anti-psychotics the doctors have prescribed to Jongdae.

They head out, Jongdae wearing a hospital shirt and his own dirty jeans and Chanyeol guides him to his car. The city is alive even though it’s 4 in the morning and the car radio is quietly playing pop-hit after pop-hit. It’s been a while since Jongdae was able to listen to music like this but right now, in a stranger’s car, he enjoys it.

The apartment complex is mundane and boring and very ordinary but the elevator works and the light in the hallways don’t shimmer every third second. Jongdae tilts his head slightly as he reads the names on the door sign while Chanyeol fumbles with his keys.

 _Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo & Kim Joonmyun _it says. He sends it a small smile when the door swings open and Chanyeol whisper-shouts his welcome. For a man that tries so hard to be quiet, he’s awfully loud. Jongdae apparently isn’t the only one that notices because the light turns on in a room to the left and a guy sticks his head out.

“What the fuck Chanyeol, it’s fucking 4 am. Go to … who’s that?” he says. His eyes are tired and he has pillow lines on his cheek.

“Uh, it’s my friend Jongdae. Go to sleep, we’ll talk later,” Chanyeol says and steers Jongdae from the hallway to the living room. The man follows them into the larger living room, though, and soon enough another man emerges too. He yawns and scratches the back of his head before he squints and glares at Chanyeol in the light.

“Why the fuck are we awake right now?” he asks and blinks before his eyes settle back in a squint.

“Just go to bed,” Chanyeol says in a hurry and grabs both his friends on their shoulders and steers them back towards the hallway. Jongdae sits on the couch and watches them disappear before Chanyeol comes back to him with a blanket and a t-shirt that’s way too big. It’s better than nothing, though, and with the voices still silenced by the medicine he got at the hospital, Jongdae falls asleep quickly.

 

 

Sleeping on a stranger’s couch isn’t the most uncomfortable thing he’s ever done, but as Jongdae opens his eyes and is met with another pair staring back at him, it shocks him.

“Who are you?” the owner of the eyes asks as Jongdae does his best to lean back and catch his breath.

He sits up and looks at the man he recognizes as being the more irritated stranger Chanyeol ended up consoling to go to sleep when they came home at 4 AM.

Yeah, who are you, you loser. Coming over to someone’s else’s place uninvited. Jongdae shakes his head. He needs his meds.

“I’m, uh,” Jongdae starts, trying to wake up and combat the already bickering voices while under pressure from the annoyed person staring him down as if he robbed and murdered his entire family.

“Kyungsoo, leave him alone,” Chanyeol enters the room, which calms Jongdae slightly.

The shorter man stands his ground, waiting for an explanation.

“Whose are these?” another man’s voice calls from the kitchen. Chanyeol’s eyes go wide as he rushes into the other room.

Jongdae can overhear their conversation about the box of pills the roommate found on the dining table. The voices continue their berating of him in his mind, but he decides to be a man and stand up for himself by being honest.

“I think they’re mine. Can you bring them to me?” Jongdae commands, unsure if that is polite or not to do in a foreign home with two strangers, but he can’t bear having someone else be judged for his own issues. Even if it is just pills, they are his, and he needs them, because he’s a crazy person.

The young man shakes his head and stands up from the couch, making Kyungsoo take a step back. He starts walking around the living room, Chanyeol meets him halfway. The other roommate follows behind, watching the situation unfold, also looking inquisitive to understand what is going on.

“Thanks,” Jongdae says as he takes the box from his new friend. “I need these so I don’t go insane, is that alright?”

He speaks aloud to no one in particular, since there are so many spectators at this point.

“Psh, you must be crazy to hang out with Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo comments in mild tone, making the air a little less tense.

The three men start to focus less on Jongdae as he opens the box to get out his usual dosage. Chanyeol’s eyes open wider as if he remembers something.

“Oh yeah, Jongdae, these are my roommates. Kyungsoo,” he says, gesturing to the shorter one who is already leaving the room in favour of doing something else. “And Joonmyun,” he finishes, gesturing to the still silent guy who gives him a tense smile.

“I have to leave early today. Kick out your little friend and head on to work so your goofy ass doesn’t get chewed out again,” Kyungsoo lectures as he emerges from the hall with coffee in his right hand and multiple binders tucked into his left side.

“Nice to meet you Jongdae. But I agree. Chanyeol and I can drop you off, though,” Joonmyun offers politely before taking his turn of leaving and getting ready for work.

“Uh, actually.” Chanyeol starts thinking of how to beg his roommates to let Jongdae stay with them.

“We aren’t running a hostel. Especially not for the kinds of people you might be with,” Kyungsoo says, sipping his coffee while he struggles to leave before resolving this issue.

“Just for a little while, alright. He needs to just get back on his feet. He’s a good guy, right Jongdae, you’re a good guy?”

The voices in his head yell otherwise.

Jongdae wonders what is appropriate to do now after he has swallowed his pills dry. He doesn’t want to go back home, but if he isn’t welcome here, then he doesn’t want to be a burden. He opens his mouth to speak, but a voice from another room beats him to it.

“Chanyeol, you’re too soft. You’re like a kid with a stray puppy,” Joonmyun calls out as he returns, folding his tie through the loop and pulling it. The tallest one turns to meet his eyes, even stepping forward to help straighten it.

Kyungsoo eyes down Jongdae from the doorway. He cocks a brow, waiting for Jongdae to speak up.

“Uh, I-”

“He’s a smart guy, he won’t be hard to live with. You guys will thank me once you realize how cool he is,” Chanyeol says, not exactly telling the truth, but rather saying the best he can to convince his roommates that letting a stranger stay in their apartment isn’t the worst idea in the world.

Kyungsoo lets out a scoff.

“Fine, but, don’t touch my stuff. Don’t go in my room. Don’t even breathe when walking past my room. If you even think about touching the knob on my bedroom door, I’ll blast your ass to North Korea,” he says while maintaining eye contact with Jongdae. He simply nods in reply.

With that, Kyungsoo leaves and the other two start to follow suit.

“Just relax, take a nap. There’s food in the fridge. We’ll be back in the afternoon. Don’t worry, you’re good dude,” Chanyeol tells Jongdae before leaving for work. Joonmyun has already walked out of the door but the tall man lingers behind to assure his new friend is at ease.

“Alright, thanks man. I really appreciate this,” Jongdae says, making Chanyeol give him a genuine smile. Jongdae does his best to reciprocate it, but struggles with the feeling of not knowing whether or not he truly belongs. Nonetheless, the taller man has a schedule to follow. He gives Jongdae a final goodbye before leaving the apartment.

Now I’m alone, Jongdae thinks. He blinks, then decides to retire to the couch for a while to think of a game plan.

 

A few minutes pass and the voices quiet down for a while. This makes him able to hear the subtle noise of cars driving down the road and people talking loudly on the street passing by the apartment block. Jongdae looks outside the window that is revealed once he has pulled back the beige curtains.

The unit he is in is only a few stories above the ground so the noises aren’t distracting, but rather comforting, even a bit refreshing. They are real noises coming from the real world made by real, normal people.

The young man watches outside for a while, taking in the fact that he is in a different stage of his life, whether he consents to it or not. His parents pulled him out of the hospital, and a random guy named Chanyeol pulled him out of a psychosis. He turns away from the window, leaving the curtains drawn to let in more sunlight so he won’t have to waste their electricity on the fluorescents being turned on.

As he examines the room, he notices the coffee table is a bit cluttered.

I can just adjust this real quick, they won’t mind, or even notice, he thinks to himself, his body moving faster than his mind as he starts to pick up the random papers first. He collects them into a stack, making sure not to look at what’s written on them since they could contain personal or private matters. He goes on to collect the empty cups, sitting the papers down in a neat stack on the corner of the table.

Tidying the living room table gives him the idea to look in the kitchen. The dining table isn’t too messy, but someone did leave a cereal box sitting out. He contemplates looking at their cupboards to see where the box goes. Is this snooping? No, it can’t be. It’s just food. And if he does find something weird, he can pretend he never even saw it.

 

Hours pass and Jongdae has tidied every counter, table, and random mess in the kitchen, living room, bathroom and even contemplated organizing the hallway closet that they seem to toss random junk in. But that’s where he feels a bit intrusive. Touching their personal stuff is a bit much.

Yet, putting things away and seeing the difference it makes in the atmosphere in each room gives him a new sense of peace. Growing up he never really cleaned his own apartment, his mother always shooed him away telling him to study or go relax and at the hospital he barely had anything to clutter his room due to the strictness of what the residents were allowed to have.

But cleaning this apartment, especially when he feels like he is intruding, makes him a bit more relaxed. Like he isn’t freeloading completely. Jongdae doesn’t know how to properly clean much, but he can learn.

Jongdae is exhausted when the front door opens and Kyungsoo steps inside. He’s sitting on the couch again, waiting for the judgment of all the cleaning he has done and Kyungsoo stays eerily quiet.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo calls into the apartment and Jongdae curls up on the couch, socked feet resting at the edge. When their eyes meet, Kyungsoo tilts his head confused and squints a little at Jongdae.

“Did you clean?” he asks and Jongdae nods timidly. He didn’t mean to make them upset, but nobody in their right mind would be upset at someone cleaning, right? Then again, if he isn’t in his right mind, he can’t really expect the three strangers whose apartment he has cleaned to be either.

On the other hand, Jongdae really doesn’t expect them to be bad people. If that was the case, they wouldn’t have let him stay.

“Did you touch our rooms?” Kyungsoo asks with apprehension and Jongdae looks up surprised.

“No!” he says, shocked that the other man would even think that. Jongdae may be crazy and weird and he may need medication but he isn’t disrespectful of other people’s space. Jongdae is so used to not meddling in other people’s affairs that the thought of going through their bedrooms has him a little anxious. Kyungsoo sighs in relief and sends Jongdae a smile.

“Nice. It looks good. Did you clean the entire apartment?”

Jongdae bites his cheek for a few seconds before he lets his feet touch the floor again and he stands from the couch.

“Yeah, mostly. The kitchen, living room and bathroom. I didn’t want to go through the hallway closet. It seemed personal.”

Kyungsoo laughs a little and nods then before he enters his bedroom and puts his binders away. When he exits his bedroom and saunters into the kitchen he’s wearing a pair of glasses.

“Astigmatism,” he says offhandedly as an answer to Jongdae’s silent question and Jongdae snorts. Maybe the other man isn’t that bad.

They can hear Joonmyun and Chanyeol returning before the door opens. Their banter is loud in the hallway and it travels through the thin walls. It doesn’t seem to surprise Kyungsoo who’s sitting in the living room, snacking on a couple of grapes and Jongdae just watches curiously from his spot on the couch as the TV runs in the background.

“Shut up!” Chanyeol says excited the moment the front door opens and Joonmyun laughs out loud.

“I know! Isn’t that just my lucky day?” Joonmyun says and sheds his jacket. Chanyeol almost falls in his own sneakers and Jongdae fights to stop himself from laughing out loud.

“I don’t know if I would call it lucky to be caught in a food fight. The little fuckers are cruel when they fight like that and you still have broccoli stuck in your hair.”

Joonmyun reaches up to run a hand through his hair and fish out a piece of green vegetable and toss it to the floor. Kyungsoo coughs judgmentally from his place in the living room.

“Yeah, but Jiyeon was there and I made her laugh,” Joonmyun retorts. Chanyeol doesn’t get to say anything before Kyungsoo butts in.

“You shits, Jongdae spent all day cleaning the apartment and you throw vegetables on the floor.”

It’s only then that Chanyeol and Joonmyun break out of their conversation and look towards Jongdae. Jongdae sends them a shrug and Chanyeol throws his bag to the floor, Kyungsoo’s earlier retort forgotten.

“You cleaned?” he asks as he flops onto the couch beside Jongdae. Jongdae nods and sends him a smile.

“I was bored.”

Chanyeol flashes him a bright smile and hugs him. It’s so unexpected it causes Jongdae to jump, but when Chanyeol lets go of him, he turns around to his other two roommates.

“Jongdae is officially a better friend than you two assholes,” he announces to the apartment and Jongdae falls back on the couch in laughter at the protests that come from the other two men.

 

 

The computer screen is showing a blank Google page. Chanyeol is rummaging in the kitchen, trying to find rubber gloves and cleaning products. Jongdae scratches the back of his head and puts his fingers on the keyboard.

“Do you know English?” he shouts towards Chanyeol, whose reply is a dull thump as he hits his head on a cupboard and lets out a few curse words. Jongdae takes that as a no.

Ever since he was found by Chanyeol a couple of weeks ago, he has stayed in their apartment. Taking his daily dose of antipsychotics helps silence the voices to a distant whisper that is easier to ignore and it makes being social easier. Being around Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Joonmyun also means that he’s forced into showering and brushing his teeth and it makes it easier to deal with days when his schizophrenia isn’t fully under his control.

Today Chanyeol has insisted on helping Jongdae clean. It has become Jongdae’s routine to clean while the other three are working and he likes it. He had protested when Chanyeol first told him that he didn’t have to clean. Jongdae likes cleaning. He doesn’t feel like a freeloader and he appreciates being valued. It makes him feel like a human, not a disease.

Jongdae looks up from the computer when a bucket hits the floor next to him and Chanyeol sinks onto the couch.

“So…” he says and looks at the blank Google page. “Found anything?”

Jongdae turns to look at Chanyeol with an eye roll but Chanyeol isn’t fazed at all. They are going to do things correctly today. Jongdae is supposed to look at Google for tips on how to clean, what materials to use and what to avoid. The apartment will shine when they’re done. Or that’s the plan at least. Chanyeol steals the computer from Jongdae and searches ‘cleaning tip’. The Google page fills with hits and Jongdae hums his approval. Chanyeol beams.

 

Epik High is blasting through the speakers as Jongdae stands on the couch, Chanyeol in front of him.

“Are you sure this is safe?” he asks and Chanyeol nods.

“Of course. Come on, jump on.”

Jongdae frowns sceptically but jumps on the couch a few times to prepare himself. With his hands on Chanyeol’s head he sets off and jumps high enough to wrap a leg over Chanyeol’s shoulder. He’s clutching hard at Chanyeol’s hair, one hand reaching down to grab his shirt. It takes a few seconds before he swings his other leg over Chanyeol’s shoulder and he sits snugly.

“This is the worst idea you’ve ever had. I’m supposed to be the crazy one!” Jongdae protests and clings to Chanyeol’s hair so he doesn’t fall down and hit his head.

“No, no, it’ll be fine!” Chanyeol says and stands, swaying with the added weight of Jongdae on his shoulders. Jongdae screams and almost chokes Chanyeol when he locks his hands in front of Chanyeol’s throat.

“Shit, Jongdae!” Chanyeol sputters and Jongdae apologizes. Chanyeol moves towards the ceiling fan and Jongdae reaches up with the duster. This is going to end in a catastrophe. It’s a good thing Kyungsoo and Joonmyun aren’t home.

Miraculously, neither of them end up getting hurt and when Chanyeol puts Jongdae down, the smaller man is breathless with laughter.

“That really is the worst idea you've ever gotten!” he says in between fits of laughter and Chanyeol lays down on the floor and agrees with him.

“What’s next?” Chanyeol asks a few minutes later and Jongdae sits up and reaches towards the computer.

“Bathroom duties,” he says and Chanyeol wrinkles his nose and replies with an ‘ew’. It only has Jongdae laughing harder.

 

Watching Chanyeol dressed in rubber boots and rubber gloves with a mask covering his face has Jongdae laughing again. He’s leaning against the edge of the sink and watching his new friend clean the toilet with a chemical he can’t pronounce. The name doesn’t matter much, though, because it’s Chanyeol that will be poisoned by the toilet fumes. Chanyeol sends him a glare and Jongdae just shrugs and reaches towards Chanyeol’s phone.

“Don’t you dare!” Chanyeol warns with the toilet brush in hand. He raises it and Jongdae dives to safety in front of the door.

“Get away from me. You’re so gross.”

Old toilet water is dripping from the brush to the floor and Chanyeol soon turns it back towards the toilet. He’s staring into the white porcelain bowl, debating whether or not the purple cleaner will stain the toilet and Jongdae stands in front of the door and snaps pictures.

“Who’s Baekhyun?” he asks when he goes through Chanyeol’s contacts to find someone to send the pictures to.

“A co-work… Kim Jongdae, don’t you dare send those photos!” Chanyeol says and turns around, toilet brush now lying in the toilet, resting against the porcelain sides.

“But Chanyeol,” Jongdae begs and widens his eyes so they become puppylike. He lets his lower lip shiver in pretend-sadness. “You have friends and you’re a teacher and your life is just so perfect and I only have you!”

Chanyeol glares at him as he steps closer with every intention of taking the phone back from Jongdae.

“Stop that, you know it doesn’t work on me,” he says but Jongdae continues, stepping away from Chanyeol so he’s always out of reach.

“Just one picture?” he questions. His back hits the closed door and Chanyeol steps closer. His wet hands reach out towards Jongdae and Jongdae ducks before he gets a handful of soapy water in his hair.

“Yah! Park Chanyeol!” he screams and Chanyeol laughs, loud and boisterous. Jongdae doesn’t think it’s that funny.

 

When Kyungsoo and Joonmyun returns in the afternoon the apartment isn’t shining as much as it was supposed to. Chanyeol and Jongdae, however, aren’t strangers to each other anymore. Jongdae had never imagined he would have a friend after he got his diagnosis but here he is, laughing genuinely beside Chanyeol and doing things he never dreamt of doing.

“You’re still a sore loser,” he tells Chanyeol in the evening when they lie on the living room floor and breaks their necks to root for Kyungsoo and Joonmyun who’s racing against each other on the xbox.

“Pfft, no way.”

Kyungsoo kicks Chanyeol’s side and Chanyeol glares at him.

“Okay, maybe a little bit of a sore loser but not that much.”

He grabs Kyungsoo foot to prevent him from kicking him again, outing his lie, but Jongdae knows. When Joonmyun kicks his thigh instead of Kyungsoo, Chanyeol just gives up and flops onto his stomach, rooting for neither of his friends to win the race.


	3. Chapter 3

Jongdae wakes up to a bad headache. It doesn’t matter which way he looks, every small movement sending spikes of pain through his head. Even the voices are silenced by the pain and Jongdae can’t even open his eyes without feeling like everything is about to explode. He clutches his head in his hands and cries out.

It’s only 5 AM and it’s too early to wake up the sleeping men so Jongdae bites his lower lip hard to stop himself from screaming. He starts shivering and pulls the covers tighter around him, eyes closed tightly to relieve himself of a little pain. When Kyungsoo wakes up at 6 AM he finds Jongdae shivering with a high fever.

“Jongdae?” he asks cautiously, still in his nightwear. Jongdae whimpers and nods, hands clinging to his forehead at the move. “Are you okay?”

Jongdae can hear the apprehension, knows that Kyungsoo wonders if he’s hallucinating. Truth be told, Jongdae wouldn’t really know whether or not he’s hallucinating, to him everything feels utterly and completely real. That said, right now, he knows that the pain that’s causing him to sob is not in his mind.

“No,” he whispers and his head explodes in pain at the sound. This is the worst Jongdae has felt in a long time. He needs painkillers and he needs them now. Preferably a lot of them, enough to make him sleep for the next many hours or days. Enough for the headache to never ever return again. Kyungsoo doesn’t get to make the offer before Chanyeol walks into the living room, stops midway in his yawn and looks at the two of them.

“Is he okay?” he asks Kyungsoo and Jongdae tries to drown out their conversation because the noise makes his head hurt more, even if he thought that was impossible. Chanyeol places a large hand on Jongdae’s forehead to confirm his fever and nods to something Kyungsoo says.

When Jongdae is asked to open his eyes, he does so only reluctantly. Light doesn’t make his headache any less and he breathes shallowly to combat the pain. Fuck, this is the worst ever. As his vision clears he finds a glass of water and two Tylenol in front of him. He takes the pill slowly, one after the other and lays back down on the pillow and closes his eyes.

From the kitchen he hears Chanyeol and Kyungsoo talk about his antipsychotics but he never makes the connection and falls asleep.

 

Jongdae feels better when he wakes up. He’s awfully dizzy and he crawls his way to the kitchen so he doesn’t fall down and hurts himself, but the headache is gone. The voices aren’t that distant any longer, berating him for being in physical pain like Jongdae had any choice himself. He pulls himself from the floor with the help of the counter and finds the package of his medication. Beside the package lies the leaflet and Jongdae pulls it towards him and start reading.

 _Very common side effects_ , he reads. _Headache, insomnia, drowsiness. Common side effects. Fever, flu-like symptoms, increased or decreased appetite, pain._ Jongdae stops reading and throws the leaflet back on the counter. Side effects. He’s not even ill. He can’t even garner sympathy or drown in self-misery because he’s not even physically sick. Just experiencing side effects of his medication. He sinks to the floor and the voices laugh at him. Loser, they scream and laugh again. Such a loser, loser, loser. Jongdae is a loser. He cradles his head in his hands again, this time not because of pain but because he doesn’t know where else to put them to combat the voices.

Chanyeol finds him in the kitchen when he returns home. Worry immediately flashes in his eyes and he drops his bag without care and squats down in front of Jongdae.

“Jongdae?” he asks cautiously and Jongdae looks up with a gaze Chanyeol can’t decipher.

“Side effects,” Jongdae says hoarsely. “I have side effects. I’m so fucking useless.”

Then he bursts into tears and buries in Chanyeol’s chest and Chanyeol doesn’t know what else to do but hug him closer and let him cry.

 

 

The blue artificial light from the computer is beginning to hurt his eyes but Jongdae continues his search through the web. He’s been looking for something to do while Chanyeol, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo are at work and the apartment is clean. There is nothing much he can to but clean and the other three don’t mess up that much in the time they’re home.

It was Chanyeol’s idea. Kyungsoo and Joonmyun had been pitching in, suggesting evening classes and going to the gym but Jongdae doesn’t want either of those. Going to evening classes is likely to remind him of the failure he was in school and the voices won’t ever be silenced enough for him to get his high school diploma so Jongdae has quickly gotten rid of that idea.

Going to the gym is physical exercise and while Jongdae is in no way an unhealthy man, he’s just not ready to get stared at by people who take their health way too serious. He’s also a little scared of triggering something that can have him sent back to the hospital. So he’s looking for something else. There is a sculpturing club close to the apartment and there are volunteer businesses in the area as well. It has to be possible to find something.

 

Jongdae doesn’t look up from the computer where he’s reading about volunteering at the Red Cross as a visiting friend, when the door slams closed and a large sigh sounds from the hallway. He doesn’t look up when Chanyeol walks into the living room, head hanging low and moist eyes blinking quickly to remove the tears of frustration. It isn’t until Chanyeol sits down beside Jongdae with another loud sigh that Jongdae looks up and he blinks in surprise at the sight of his tall friend clearly frustrated.

“What’s wrong?”Jongdae asks and Chanyeol rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands, trying to remove all signs of tears but he’s unsuccessful.

“It’s just ..”Chanyeol starts, but then gives up and shakes his head. “You don’t want to know.”

Jongdae frowns in offense. Why wouldn’t he want to know? The voices giggles at him but Jongdae shoves them away, tries not to let them get to him. Chanyeol needs a friend and Jongdae is not going to let him be without one, not after everything Chanyeol has done for him. He waits in silence while Chanyeol sighs and leans back in the couch. 1 minute later he leans forward again, twists and turns to find a good position before he rests his elbows on his knees and puts his chin in his hands and stares ahead.

“My boss is such an idiot,”he says silently and Jongdae widens his eyes in surprise. He doesn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t Chanyeol’s boss being a jerk.

“Why?”he asks silently, scared of interrupting a monologue and reminding Chanyeol of whom he’s talking to.

“For one he believes kids who misbehave should be punished by standing with their hands raised. He thinks learning should be books and tests and more books and it’s not ..”Chanyeol looks up and faces Jongdae. “It’s not how I teach.”

Chanyeol lights up and Jongdae pulls his leg under himself so he sits more comfortably, facing Chanyeol and closing the computer.

“They’re only 2nd graders. They don’t learn from being tested into oblivion! They’ll be tested so much throughout their entire education, you know the pressure is cruel. It shouldn’t be like that in 2nd grade. 2nd grade should be fun!”

Jongdae nods. Chanyeol is probably right. Jongdae hasn’t been around kids for a long time and he doesn’t remember 2ndgrade from back when he was 9-years old. It feels like ages ago. Chanyeol sighs deeply again and his gaze finds the floor again.

“I’m sorry,”he says and Jongdae puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, no, don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’m totally on your side.”Chanyeol looks up again with a crease of confusion showing in his forehead. “Elementary school should be fun. It’s going to be dreadful later on, the kids might as well have fun while they learn curriculum, right?”

Jongdae tilts his head just slightly and Chanyeol lights up in a smile.

“Right!”he says before he launches into a conversation about pedagogy and what teaching methods that he enjoys the most. Jongdae doesn’t know what most of it means but Chanyeol’s passion is obvious and the frustration of working with someone who doesn’t have the same values as Chanyeol is clearly showing.

 

They sit on the couch while time pass and the conversation topics begin to change when Chanyeol asks what Jongdae has been doing all day and Jongdae excitedly tells him about the volunteer program and perhaps helping elderly women who feel lonely.

Joonmyun enters two hours later and immediately retreats to his own room under the guise of planning homework for next day but both Jongdae and Chanyeol knows it might be something else entirely.

 

They start dinner together, cooking and messing up vegetables and rice. Chanyeol laughs hard when Jongdae screws up the rice and Jongdae makes fun of Chanyeol when he almost cuts his fingers instead of the zucchini. Despite their minor accidents in the kitchen and the red pepper paste that somehow ends up on the floor, they manage to create a decent dinner. Kyungsoo steps inside and wrinkles his nose at the smell in the apartment.

“Did Chanyeol cook?”he asks and Jongdae bursts out into laughter, Chanyeol spluttering unhelpfully. Kyungsoo only takes one look at their plates before he loudly announces he’ll be out with a few coworkers. It’s a lie, but nobody says anything when Kyungsoo leaves the apartment again.

Jongdae folds his legs under him on the chair as he eats his dinner while the safety and the well-known of Chanyeol, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo seeps into his body. He’s welcome here, even with the voices, the medication and his insanity.

 

 

It’s a rainy day and Jongdae is staring out the kitchen window, hoping it can wash away the dirt so he doesn’t have to clean the windows. He’s home alone and he’s got nothing else to do. He has spent the past few days thinking a lot about Chanyeol’s problem. It’s obvious to all of them that Chanyeol is stressed out from work because he has a headache more often and he’s grumpier than usual. Jongdae can’t get him to laugh the same way he used to and it bothers him. He wants to help the taller man the same way Chanyeol helped him, but how can he possibly help when he doesn’t even have a high school diploma.

Jongdae sinks onto the couch and pulls his legs towards his chest so he can curl up and become small while he lets the whispers in his mind berate him. He hasn’t told Chanyeol about his life at the mental institution but with how close they’ve become in the past weeks, Jongdae has started to think he deserves to know. If Chanyeol can open up about what stresses him, Jongdae can talk about himself as well. It’s not like Chanyeol hasn’t seen the worst of his psychosis in recent times.

 

The door opens and Jongdae lifts his head from where it has been resting on his knees. The rain is still pounding on the windows and obscuring the world outside. The front door slams and a curse word sounds throughout the apartment, but Jongdae doesn’t get to ask who’s home before a dripping wet Joonmyun stands in the doorway to the living room. He holds up a piece of folded paper in his hands, the edges tearing slowly apart.

“Who are you?”he asks and Jongdae curls back into the couch at the hostility of his voice. Joonmyun hands him the paper and when Jongdae folds it out he finds his own face staring at him from the wet paper, large letters on top of the paper spelling out MISSING. He blinks for a few seconds before the reality of it all sinks in.

“I ..”he says and then forgets what he wants to say. Joonmyun is standing before him, water dripping onto the carpet and his wet socks making footprints. Jongdae stares at the message of the missing note, the desperation etched into the words.

 

_Our son has been missing the past month, please help us find him. His name is Kim Jongdae, he is 25 years old. If you know anything, contact us._

 

There’s a well-known telephone number below the message and the pictures of him and an email address he hasn’t seen in a while. Joonmyun is staring at him, waiting for an answer but Jongdae can’t provide him anything. He is – quite clearly – the person on the missing person poster in his hands and he can’t possibly explain to Joonmyun that Chanyeol found him while psychotic and he just conveniently forgot to tell his parents.

The truth is, though, that Jongdae genuinely did forget about them. He’s been so used to not contacting them from the hospital more than once a month and he has had so much fun with Chanyeol that the whispers of the voices must have drowned out the guilt of forgetting his parents. When nobody says anything for a minute, Jongdae sighs and puts the poster down.

“You should change your clothes. I’ll tell you but only when you stop dripping water onto the floor.”

Joonmyun blinks as if coming out of a trance and looks towards the floor before he curses. He sends Jongdae a glare before he retreats into his room. When he emerges again, now dressed in his pyjamas, Jongdae is gently letting his fingers run over his own picture on the soaked paper. He feels the dip of the couch when Joonmyun sits beside him, silence slowly enveloping them in the living room.

“So..”Joonmyun starts and Jongdae removes his fingers and leans back into the couch and closes his eyes. Here goes nothing.

“Chanyeol probably told you I’m schizophrenic,”Jongdae starts but Joonmyun’s facial expression has him pausing. “Right?”

Joonmyun closes his mouth after a few seconds and blinks twice before he shakes his head slightly.

“What?”he asks and Jongdae widens his eyes in surprise. He knows both Joonmyun and Kyungsoo know about his antipsychotics so why would Chanyeol not have told them he’s schizophrenic? It makes so little sense to him that when Joonmyun shakes his head again and asks him to repeat what he just said, Jongdae doesn’t react at all.

“Jongdae?” Joonmyun asks again and pokes a finger in his shoulder. Jongdae blinks and shifts on the couch so he fits himself snuggly into the corner and tugs his knees against his chest.

“Why did you think I was on antipsychotics if not because of schizophrenia?” Jongdae asks and Joonmyun shrugs a little. He fumbles with his sleeves before he looks up.

“I thought they were for mania or bipolar disorder or something like that. I can’t .. You’re schizophrenic?”

Jongdae nods. Here we go, he thinks and lets the voices laugh at him like always. It’s only becoming louder now that anxiety mixes in with the guilt of having forgotten his parents, but Joonmyun doesn’t make any move to kick him out of the apartment.

“Oh wow,”he says after a minute or two and Jongdae shrugs a little. “I would’ve never really guessed. Is that why you didn’t tell your parents where you went? Ran away from home?”

The question catches Jongdae off guard and he shakes his head. Joonmyun’s guesses make it sound like he was abused at home and deliberately fled, hoping no one would find him. Joonmyun tilts his head in question and Jongdae takes a deep breath before he answers.

“No, it’s nothing like that. My parents picked me up from Misty Vale Mental Hospital and they forgot,”he makes air quotes around forgot and then continues, “to bring my medicine so I ended up in one of the worst psychoses I’ve ever had. Chanyeol found me on the streets and almost busted his own ass in the hospital while waiting for me to wake up. He brought me here and I ... I guess I forgot about my parents, really. It’s just been so nice to be here.”

When he finishes, Jongdae look warily at Joonmyun. Joonmyun has a neutral expression on his face and Jongdae may hate it a little. He’s scared of being kicked out, of being scolded and berated for lying to them, but nothing happens until Joonmyun sends him a small smile.

“You should probably call your parents and tell them you’re okay,”he says and Jongdae worries his lower lip between his teeth for a second or two before he nods and agrees. That may be a good idea. “Want a cup of tea?”Joonmyun asks when he gets up from the couch. Jongdae tilts his head in question and Joonmyun just shrugs a little. “You can use my phone to call them if you don’t want to use your own. Anyway, I’m making tea.”

Then he leaves the living room and Jongdae sits on the couch, facing the coffee table where Joonmyun’s phone lies beside the soaked poster. He can hear the other man working in the kitchen, the electric kettle being turned on and mugs being placed on counters.

 

The voices in his mind is telling him to crumble up the poster, forget about his parents and reminds of what can possibly be their only reaction to him being gone for so long without any word of where he’s been, but Jongdae takes a different decision and defies them. It makes him strangely proud, even though nobody knows of the battle with his mind right now.

In the end, he grabs his own phone and when the first dial tone goes through, he feels his heart speed up and his hands get clammy. His mother picks up right after the second ring.

“Jongdae?”she says, her voice desperate and heartwrenching.

“Mom?”he asks in a question, even though there’s no doubt it’s her.

“It’s you,”she says and sobs into the phone and Jongdae’s heart curls in guilt. He’s so sorry he’s caused so much pain. It hurts to hear her cry but he knows he doesn’t want to leave the apartment. Living with Chanyeol, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo has given him a normal life, a life where he doesn’t need to be picture perfect but also a life where his disease doesn’t ruin even the most basic tasks.

“It’s really you. Where are you, sweetheart? We missed you so much! I’ll come pick you up right away! Just tell me where you are.”

”I’m with a friend,”Jongdae says and he can hear her breath hitch.

“A friend?”she asks all quietly as if she doesn’t truly believe he has friends. Jongdae nods before he remembers she can’t see him and he stalls and looks around embarrassed, hoping that Joonmyun hasn’t seen him. Joonmyun is still in the kitchen, though.

“Mmhm, yeah, a friend. Look mom, I won’t be coming home today but I promise I’ll see you and dad soon. I’m safe, okay? You don’t have to worry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I really am!”

“I’m just relieved you’re safe, honey. I love you. Come home soon, okay?”she whispers and Jongdae promises, although he’s not sure whether or not he’ll be able to keep it for a very long time. When he hangs up, his hands are trembling and he falls back into the couch.

 

Joonmyun enters from the kitchen with a mug of tea and rests it on his thighs.

“Wanna know a secret?”he says and Jongdae looks at him confused. Joonmyun raises an eyebrow as a repeat of his question and Jongdae shrugs. It can’t possibly be worse than being schizophrenic and forgetting to call your parents, leading them to file a missing person’s report.

“I used to be a sperm donor,”Joonmyun says and takes a sip of his tea to hide his grin. It’s not very effective but Jongdae lets him have it.

“How’s that a secret?”he asks and Joonmyun looks at him scandalized.

“Kyungsoo and Chanyeol don’t know. I was in financial trouble, it paid well and it was pretty easy. Except I got a text two years ago that my sperm has now been used because I was stupid enough to not be an anonymous donor which means ...”

He leaves the sentence hanging and Jongdae catches on.

“You’re the biological father to some kid out there.”

When he says the words out loud, the severity of them weighs on him and he whistles quietly at Joonmyun who shrugs nonchalantly.

“Wow, Joonmyun. Why haven’t you told Kyungsoo and Chanyeol?”

Joonmyun looks at him like he’s crazy. Maybe he is.

“They might be my best friends, but they don’t need to know about that. It’s between you and me. And maybe you should throw that away because Chanyeol will be home any second now and Kyungsoo won’t be far behind.”

Jongdae only gets to crumble up the paper and throw it in the garbage can before the front door opens and Chanyeol lets out a loud pathetic yowl and sinks to the floor, only for Kyungsoo to curse him heavily when he almost trips on the other man. Joonmyun sends Jongdae a smile and hurries back into his bedroom so he doesn’t get between his friends and their hallway battle.

 

 

Jongdae stops in his tracks when he’s almost run over by a kid on their bike followed by a friend on a scooter. Someone screams to his right and Jongdae covers his ears slightly with a wince. This is so much worse than he predicted combined with the voices in his mind screaming at him from all angles. It’s a cacophony of sounds and he’s about to squat to the ground and cover his ears when he notices a tall person in the periphery.

Jongdae squints, focusing on the man as he lifts a crying girl into his arms, wiping her tears and talking to her softly. It’s not that Jongdae can hear what’s being said but the image of Chanyeol being so gentle is enough to soothe him as well, enough to make the chaos a little less chaotic.

When Chanyeol notices him, he waves and Jongdae slowly makes his way towards him. Chanyeol puts the girl down on the ground and sends her off towards her classmates and Jongdae is close enough to hear what he says. It makes him smile.

This is the first time they meet at the elementary school where Chanyeol teaches. It had been Kyungsoo’s idea as a way to avoid grocery shopping but Jongdae hadn’t been all that averse to it. In fact, he really wanted to see what the school was like. It has been ages since Jongdae has stepped foot in an elementary school but it’s obvious that the taller man loves it very much. He seems very much at home around all the kids, not like Jongdae who’s still focusing entirely on his friends.

“Jongdae!”Chanyeol says and grabs his wrist to pull him towards the main building. He calls after a child that zooms past them and laughs when Jongdae winces at the voices that are now getting louder again as he stops focusing on Chanyeol.

The inside of school is quieter than outside but it doesn’t lessen the noise inside Jongdae’s mind. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to notice, however, when he starts packing his stuff into his bag. Jongdae sinks onto one of the tiny chairs, knees propped against his chest while Chanyeol continues telling him about his day, half of which Jongdae misses because of snickers and crude remarks at the back of his mind.

It isn’t until Chanyeol reaches a hand out towards him that Jongdae realizes that Chanyeol is done talking about his day.

“Let’s go home,”he says and Jongdae grabs his hand and allows Chanyeol to pull him to his feet again. They leave the school and Jongdae forces the voices in his mind down to a dull whisper, the one that always lingers behind and can’t be removed, no matter how strong his antipsychotics are. They end up on a green patch of grass in front of the apartment complex, soaking up the late spring sun while cloudgazing.

“Look at that!”Jongdae says and points to a sky. “It’s a dinosaur.”

Chanyeol snorts but agrees before he points to another sky and declares it a rather fat bunny. Jongdae can’t see it so he shakes his head with laughter and closes his eyes. The sun heats up his cheeks and his black hair feels like it’s almost burning. It leads him back to memories of the mental institution and the nurses, to doctor’s and summer evenings when he was allowed outside. It even springs out a few memories from before the fateful day where he lunged towards his classmate as a 15-year-old in psychosis.

 

Jongdae is happy in the sun, even with the voices berating him and Chanyeol’s excited voice in the distance. There is so much to life right now this moment, so much he needs to do. The life he used to find so hard to live no longer seems too unbearable and his future doesn’t seem bleak anymore.

“I want to finish high school,”he says out loud, stopping Chanyeol midway in his sentence.

“What?”Chanyeol asks. Jongdae opens his eyes so he can send Chanyeol a bright smile. His eyes speak for themselves, confirms his words, but Jongdae lets the words out again, stronger this time, the determination shining through in his voice.

“I never got to finish high school. I want a high school diploma.”

"But I thought?" Chanyeol starts and Jongdae turns his head to look at him. 

"Maybe it's not impossible after all." 

Jongdae shrugs a little, knowing full well that a high school diploma had been a dream he hadn't dare dream even a few days ago but today in the sun, it feels possible. He doesn't have to find something less, he doesn't need to settle. He isn't limited by his schizophrenia.

Chanyeol seems a little confused but soon softens into a smile. He turns his gaze towards the sky and nods. His eyes squint together so he isn’t blinded by the sun and Jongdae closes his eyes again. The desire hangs in the air but for the first time in a long while, Jongdae thinks it’s an achievable goal. He can do this. He’s not alone anymore.

They get up when a breeze makes it too cold to lie in the grass. They race up the stairs, Jongdae winning with a victorious dance. Chanyeol shoves him lightly but Jongdae doesn’t mind too much. He’ll get revenge later when he fights Chanyeol on the xbox anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

Chanyeol lets out a pathetic yowl when he enters the apartment and Jongdae calls out his greeting from the kitchen. It’s not an unusual occurrence anymore. As days pass, it’s obvious that Chanyeol becomes more and more unhappy with his job. His once so bright smile fades and the joy he used to have while talking about his students has turned into a lacklustre rant about his boss. Jongdae wants to help, he really does, but he doesn’t know what to do.

He has tried, multiple times, to get Chanyeol to talk but the taller man usually dismisses him with a sad excuse for a smile and tells him not to worry. Except that’s not really possible.

Chanyeol doesn’t know how he changed Jongdae’s life but Jongdae’s on a mission to let him know. Instead of cleaning while the other three are at work, Jongdae works through memory after memory, trying to find a timeline that makes somewhat sense. He digs up old names he never thought he’d get to say out loud again and he recalls the incident that got him to Misty Vale in the first place. He hasn’t told either of them about his initial diagnosis and everything that followed. Jongdae reasons Joonmyun and Kyungsoo don’t need to know those details. But Chanyeol deserves to know, if only because he’s in distress and it would be a sweet reminder of how he’s not the failure his boss seems to think he is.

 

When the night falls over Seoul and the city is lit with artificial yellow, Jongdae knocks on the door to Chanyeol’s room. He’s oddly nervous although he knows he’s got nothing to be nervous about. This is a chapter of his life most people have tried to erase in hoping he’d become normal. But Jongdae isn’t normal and Chanyeol is a friend that deserves to know. The response from the other side of the door is a weak ‘door’s open’ and Jongdae opens it just a fraction to peer inside.

“Oh, hey,” Chanyeol says as he looks up from his desk. Jongdae tip-toes inside and sneaks a peak at the drawing Chanyeol has been looking at. It’s a child’s drawing, a tall stick man on the left side with a bunch of smaller stick boys and girls sprawled out towards the right. In the top right corner is the name Haeun spelled wrong.

“Haeun drew this for me today in recess to tell me I’m her favourite teacher.” Chanyeol pauses and looks at the drawing again, tracing the small stick figures with his index finger. “I hate it there. I feel like I’m going to hurt one of them when it’s all just too much. They’re constantly keeping an eye out on me to make sure I do it as they wish and I feel … I feel trapped,” he admits.

Jongdae rests his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulders and starts a light massage.

“Maybe it’s on time you find somewhere else?” Jongdae suggests and Chanyeol looks up with disbelief. Then he shakes his head and turns his gaze towards the desk again.

“Who would want to hire me?”

It sounds nothing like the Chanyeol he met to give up this easily and Jongdae presses his thumbs hard into the other man’s muscles, making him squirm under his grip.

“I would want to hire you if I was a principal of an elementary school,” he says and continues the massage. Chanyeol sighs.

“Maybe,” he says and Jongdae lets go of his shoulders.

“I would!”

Chanyeol turns around in his chair and looks at Jongdae with a tiny smile. It’s barely there, but it’s enough for Jongdae. At least for now. Knowing that he can still somewhat say the right thing makes everything just a little better.

 

“What’s up?” Chanyeol asks after a few seconds of silence. Jongdae stills when he remembers his purpose and he flops onto the bed instead, lying on his stomach. He takes a deep breath as Chanyeol’s chuckles float into the room behind him and then he turns so he can look at Chanyeol.

“I wanted to tell you about my time at Misty Vale,” Jongdae says. “But if you don’t have time it’s okay. It doesn’t have to be today.”

He’s kind of hoping it isn’t. Despite all the preparations he has done, the memories are still somewhat unpleasant and even with the medication, they unravel some of the voices and some of the distant hallucinations he once had. Jongdae has been free of psychosis ever since he started living with Chanyeol and taking his anti-psychotics, but he knows they’re lurking right beneath the surface, just like always.

It only takes a small mishap, a tiny gap to let the voices gain power and the battle will be bigger than it has ever been before.

 

Chanyeol rises from his chair and joins Jongdae on the bed. They’re lying in silence next to one another for a minute. The temperature in the room seems to climb with the anticipation and Jongdae’s mind is filtering through the lies and the things he actually wants to tell Chanyeol.

“Can I ask a question?” Chanyeol asks after a while and Jongdae feels his heart skip a beat with nerves. His fingertips are tingling like usual when he’s nervous and he feels his throat constrict a little. But this is Chanyeol and Chanyeol wouldn’t ask something Jongdae wouldn’t be able to decline answering. So Jongdae nods. Chanyeol can ask.

“What’s psychosis like?” Jongdae turns in bed so he’s lying on his back and staring at Chanyeol’s brown ceiling. Chanyeol follows his gaze while Jongdae organizes his thoughts. What’s psychosis like?

“It’s like … “ he starts and Chanyeol waits for him to continue. “You don’t really notice it. It’s not like you’re suddenly somewhere else and everything just overwhelms you. Hallucinations … I mean, my hallucinations at least, they usually start as a smell. Like when you’re outside and suddenly you smell something that doesn’t make sense. A flower in winter or coffee where there is absolutely none. Sometimes it’s fire. You just shrug it off. It doesn’t matter.

Then paranoia sets in but I guess this is individual. Paranoia sets in for me. You smell things, the voices in your mind tells you something is after you and you isolate yourself. At least I do. People tell you to do things and you just can’t because your mind tells you otherwise and you see it. The world is completely wrong when they tell you something isn’t there because you see it.”

Jongdae looks at Chanyeol.

“Close your eyes,” he demands and Chanyeol does so. “Ok, try to imagine what I’m telling you. You smell perfume. The perfect mix of fruity and oriental. A woman’s perfume. Right here in your room is the most delicious smelling of women’s perfumes. There hasn’t been a woman in here but the scent is certainly here. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Are you following me?”

Chanyeol nods but keeps his eyes closed so Jongdae continues.

“Now imagine a small voice in the back of your head that tells you there has been a woman in your room. You don’t know her and you have never seen her. But she has been here, the voice reassures you of that. She’s still here, in fact, but you can’t see her. The voice is persistent, though. You can smell her perfume, surely she’s here. She’s watching over you. She’s making sure you don’t do anything you’re not supposed to do. If you step out of line, she’ll punish you. You don’t know what kind of punishment, but she will punish you. That’s for sure.

And then you turn around and you see her in the mirror. You don’t have a mirror but you see her in the mirror you don’t have. So you go to tell Kyungsoo about the woman in the mirror and he scrunches up his nose and tells you it’s nonsense. But you saw her. You’re positive you saw her. She was right there. Kyungsoo tells you to go back to sleep. You can’t sleep now. Not when she’s there.

So you sleep on the couch, only to wake up to her standing over you. She’s laughing. The voice is telling you that you’ve done bad. You need to be punished. She continues laughing at you, her perfume overwhelming you and making you choke. It’s horrible. Joonmyun looks at you like you’re insane when you tell him to watch out for the woman behind him so he doesn’t step on her toes. But you’re not insane. She’s right there. You see her! Why can’t Kyungsoo and Joonmyun see her? Why do they not…”

Chanyeol opens his eyes and shudder and Jongdae stops his sentence.

“Man, that’s horrible!”

The taller man grabs his pillow and presses it against his chest. Jongdae shrugs a little. It’s been his world for so many years that even though he knows, he still can’t fight his psychosis when they become too strong. Jongdae has learned to live with the knowledge that he will sometimes wake up and find people scared of him and his reality.

“Of course it’s individual. This is just how mine are.”

“How do you live?” Chanyeol asks and then realizes how his question sounds and covers his mouth with his hand.

“I didn’t mean…” he tries but Jongdae knows exactly what he means. He isn’t offended either. Jongdae has asked the same question many times over and over again except when in psychosis.

For many years Jongdae didn’t want to live with such debilitating disease, didn’t want to live as a failure but he’s still here because God knows why and for that he’s thankful.

“It’s okay. I wanted to die before, but the meds really do miracles. And I got a good friend who took me serious despite the schizophrenia.”

It takes a while before Chanyeol realizes he’s the friend and when he does, he splutters in his haste to say something in defense. Jongdae laughs out loud and it is refreshing. He might not have told Chanyeol everything he had planned but it’s okay. It can wait.

 

 

The road to finishing high school as a 25-year old man is a lot more complicated than Jongdae thought it would be. He can’t enrol in a normal high school and adult education is more expensive. Even if it isn’t private, it would still cost him a lot of money.

Joonmyun has been telling him to go back home, talk it over with his parents, and even though Jongdae calls his mother twice weekly and has met her for coffee in various cafés, he’s still to go back home and stay there. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t afraid of going back home.

The idea that he doesn’t need his medication was what brought him to Chanyeol in the first place and even though Joonmyun and Kyungsoo has accepted that he’s there as a fourth roommate by now, Jongdae still can’t help but feel like he’s intruding and that going home would prevent him from coming back as more than a friend for a few hours. Even though he had been so determined in the sun, Jongdae is starting to lose his motivation.

 

Chanyeol’s lack of fight in his own struggle affects all of them as well. They all know there needs to be changes if everything has to work and even Joonmyun and Kyungsoo have started telling Chanyeol to look for other jobs. Kyungsoo even offered to speak to his boss despite working at a middle school. It’s all to no avail, however.

Jongdae has started to clean the apartment again to get his mind off of his lack of education and the challenge that getting one is. To his surprise, Chanyeol has joined in with a smile and the excuse it’s easier to clean when they’re two.

They laugh a lot when they balance on each other’s shoulders to dust off the top shelves of the book case. They dance and sing like a couple of fools while they wash the living room floor. They act out Romeo and Juliet as they clean the kitchen and wash the dishes. They fight each other in a grand battle with the vacuum cleaners but when they sit down on the couch after a hard day’s work, they get to tell each other silly little things.

Chanyeol tells Jongdae about his older sister and his niece. He relates stories of past friends and girlfriends. He talks about overseas travels and those camping trips that was in the next town over. There are plenty of things to see and plenty of people to meet and when Chanyeol isn’t thinking of his job situation, his enthusiasm for the world is inspiring.

Jongdae, on the other hand, gets to tell Chanyeol about the first psychosis that got him his diagnosis and his admission to Misty Vale. He talks about Eunjung, his favourite nurse who never gave up hope. He tells Chanyeol about the people he met and how he saw them get discharged. He retells the psychosis when he met Chanyeol, resulting in Chanyeol waking him up in the middle of night, complaining of nightmares.

 

 

On a sunny day when the temperature is too high to be outside, Chanyeol finally proposes the idea that they clean the entire apartment, including their bedrooms. Cleaning Chanyeol’s bedroom is without surprises. Joonmyun’s is by far the messiest and it takes a while to clean but when it shines, the satisfaction is so much bigger.

Going into Kyungsoo’s room is like entering a different universe. The walls are the same grey as the rest of the apartment and the bed is covered with a blue bedsheet like Joonmyun’s, but that’s about where the similarities end. His desk is filled with nail polish in every color, a small mirror stands proud in the left corner stacked on top a couple of books.

The make-up palettes are bigger than Jongdae has ever seen them and the pencil holder holds eyeliners instead of pencils. Chanyeol lifts a picture he finds on the shelves. It’s of two women in extravagant clothing and with make-up flawlessly painted on their faces. They look stunning in their confidence.

“I didn’t know Kyungsoo had a girlfriend,” Jongdae says when he takes the picture from Chanyeol to study it closer. One of the women look oddly familiar. Chanyeol shrugs and continues dusting the shelves, removing jewelry he has never seen Kyungsoo wear and putting it back in disarray.

“I didn’t know either.”

Chanyeol shrugs a little when he deems the shelves clean enough and he rearranges a bracelet so it looks a little neater. Jongdae finishes with the desk and tilts his head slightly as he observes his work. It looks almost as neat as when he started but Kyungsoo can’t possibly care if purple is now next to green instead of red. It’s the small details.

They open the closet and stares at dresses they never in their wildest fantasy had imagined they’d watch. They are big and bold, some without much coverage and other’s as the most amazing ballgowns ever to have been created. In the right corner of the closet is a sewing machine on top of a box that reads “sewing”. There are a good 20 pairs of stilettos. It’s all just really confusing.

It’s Chanyeol that starts it first when he pulls out a dress and holds it up to his large frame. Chanyeol is much taller than whoever the dress is intended for because it looks way too short, barely covering his crotch. He snickers and Jongdae pulls out a pair of stripper heels with black lace. They are only a little bit too small and he stumbles when he finally forces his toes in.

Chanyeol starts laughing as he watches Jongdae almost break his ankles on the heels. Together they walk through the feminine clothing in Kyungsoo’s closet, questioning his ghost about the girlfriend neither of them knows he has.

A sharp cough sounds from the doorway and Jongdae whips around so quickly he loses his balance and Chanyeol has to catch him to prevent him from falling flat on the floor. Kyungsoo stands in the doorway, clearly displeased with their shenanigans, hands tightening around his map and his eyes murderous. Jongdae looks down and tries with all his might to drop the shoes and Chanyeol stammers out something that is supposed to sound like “it wasn’t our fault”. Kyungsoo takes none of it as an answer.

“Get out. Get out right now!”

When Jongdae finally gets the shoes off, he hurries away and Chanyeol stammers out more apologies on his way out. Kyungsoo glares at them before he shuts the door with such power that the apartment shakes.

 

 

It would be a lie to say that Jongdae doesn’t avoid Kyungsoo in the days to follow. He hides behind Joonmyun for breakfast, ropes Chanyeol into playing with him in the afternoon and apologizes when he meets Kyungsoo in front of the bathroom. Kyungsoo is still visibly annoyed with both of them, his remarks sharper than usual, but after 10 days Joonmyun has had enough with the drama and he threatens to lock both of them in the bathroom if they don’t resolve whatever it is that’s going on.

Jongdae considers which of the two options are scarier but he’s left without the choice when he, on a Thursday afternoon, receives a text that Chanyeol and Joonmyun has been roped into a meeting at work. That means Kyungsoo will be the first to arrive home and while Jongdae could hide in Chanyeol’s room, it’s also slightly immature to do so.

Not that Jongdae cared in the past but he has learned a lot and hiding away is getting kind of silly. So he decides to do the right thing - face Kyungsoo.

And when Kyungsoo arrives home, Jongdae doubts his decision and almost flees back into hiding. Kyungsoo doesn’t let him, however.

“Look, this is stupid. I’ll tell you my secret if you promise not to tell the other two,” he says while his fist is holding Jongdae in place, making sure he doesn’t run away. Jongdae looks at the floor and takes a deep breath. Facing Kyungsoo is more terrifying than a psychosis. He can’t believe he just thought that. Then he nods and looks up. Kyungsoo sighs and lets go of Jongdae’s shirt before he plops down on the couch. He leans back and stares at the ceiling and Jongdae stands in front of him, waiting anxiously for what’s about to come.

“It’s all mine.” It takes Jongdae by surprise and he blinks twice. What is that supposed to mean?

“What?” he asks meekly and Kyungsoo sends him a lopsided smile that is so beside what he has sent Jongdae in the past days.

“The clothes, the make-up, the shoes which you thankfully didn’t expand. It’s all mine. Wait here,” he says and gets up and Jongdae sits down instead, trying hard to make any sense of what he’s being told. How can all that belong to Kyungsoo? Kyungsoo comes back with the same photo Jongdae and Chanyeol found on the shelf when they were cleaning and sits down next to him. He hands it over and Jongdae stares at it, not knowing what to see. One of the girls is still oddly familiar but he doesn’t make the connection before Kyungsoo leans in and points to her.

“Ms. Charisma and her friend Flawless Min,” he says and sends the picture a small smile.

“Eh?” Jongdae squeaks and looks up. “It’s you?!”

Kyungsoo shrugs a little and fishes for his phone when he gets a text message.

“How do you expect me to keep this secret? You’re a drag queen!” Jongdae whispers to the picture and when he looks up, Kyungsoo is staring at him with a glare. “Don’t you dare tell those idiots!” he says and Jongdae covers a little in the couch. “But it’s so unfair. You can’t just show me this and expect me not to say anything. I’m so sorry we messed with your stuff. We thought you had a secret girlfriend. Kyungsooooo,” he whines but Kyungsoo doesn’t bow down. Eating dinner with Chanyeol and Joonmyun is a struggle but every time the words are about to slip, Kyungsoo fixes him with a stare that makes it easy to swallow them again.

 

 

When Jongdae receives the confirmation email at midnight, he screams so loud he wakes up all three of his roommates. Neither of them is happy with being awakened on a Wednesday night but Jongdae only cares little. He is going to study for his high school diploma. He’s got accepted to the adult education and now there’s nothing that can stop him from finally getting on with his life. Jongdae doesn’t have to feel like a burden anymore.

In the darkness of the living room he calls his mother who is too tired to be excited for him, but Jongdae knows she cares.

He told his parents about his plans when he visited them a weekend a couple of weeks ago. It had been a weekend away from the apartment and yet they had allowed him his medication and him leaving on Sunday, to go back to being independent with friends. For once, it seems like Jongdae’s life is finally making sense ever since he got diagnosed at the age of 15.

In the morning, Jongdae tells them all again, just to make sure they haven’t forgotten. He even manages to get them lured into celebrating. Jongdae spends the entire day restless with unburned energy. He can’t wait to go out for dinner and get started on the life he has only now realized is possible to live.

Living with Chanyeol has opened so many doors and it feels refreshing.

 

Jongdae is more than ready to head out for dinner in the afternoon. Joonmyun is on the phone with Jiyeon, a teacher he’s been crushing ever since he started working, and Kyungsoo is grading papers. Chanyeol sits quietly on the kitchen counter, picking his nails while his bangs fall into his eyes. He’s brooding over his job situation like always. Jongdae has tried his best to be a friend, but even with his advice, Chanyeol keeps brooding, keeps creating lists of pros and cons. Jongdae honestly can’t think of any pros to his job but it’s been days since he last told the taller man. He doesn’t need their advice anymore and Jongdae respects that, even if it worries him that Chanyeol looks consistently tired when he returns from work.

“I did it!” Chanyeol suddenly shouts, surprising all of his roommates. Jongdae is the first in the kitchen, leaning against his legs so he can look at the phone in Chanyeol’s hand. On the screen is a picture of an email with the topic _termination of contract_.

“You … quit?” Jongdae asks, not quite managing to cover the hope in his voice. Chanyeol looks towards him, towering over the small man as he stays on the counter top.

“Yeah.” He pauses for a few seconds. “Yeah. I really did it. Fuck, I did it!”

Kyungsoo lowers his glasses from his nose bridge as he enters the kitchen just when Jongdae lets out a shrill scream of excitement.

“Did you really think this through?” he asks and both Chanyeol and Jongdae turns around to face him with incredulous glances. After a few seconds the tallest of them nods and sends the other man a smile.

“Yes, I did. I spent 2 months thinking this through. Jongdae’s starting a new life by getting a high school diploma. It’s on time I get a job I actually like,” he says and puts a hand on Jongdae’s shoulder as he slips to the floor. Jongdae doesn’t want to admit it but he feels proud that his decision to start school again is what have driven Chanyeol towards finding a new job.

“I guess we have more to celebrate today then,” Kyungsoo says with a smile before he leaves the two of them in the kitchen. Jongdae turns around with a smirk and raises his hand and Chanyeol connects their palms in a high-five.

 

 

They’re sitting at a table in a small restaurant. It’s not fancy but Joonmyun swears the food is amazing. There’s a grill in the middle, meat sizzling away as a waitress places their side dishes. Jongdae’s mouth is already watering from the smell and the company of friends is making him happier than he has ever been. The voices are easy to squash when his reality is proof that they’re lying. He no longer suffers from side effects and it’s been almost 6 months without visual hallucinations. Jongdae is at his best and he’s the most comfortable he has been in years.

“Hey guys,” Kyungsoo suddenly says, looking up from his phone to steal a piece of meat from Joonmyun. “Do you mind if my friend Minseok joins us?”

Neither of them minds.

Chanyeol is back to being optimistic, his enthusiasm soaring high and the belief of a better future evident in his speech. His gestures are wide, and he ends up whacking everybody at least once but neither take much offense because his happiness is the most important thing and he shines so beautifully nobody wants to tear him down. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t get teased about being tall, gangly and clumsy.

 

When Minseok joins them, Jongdae does a double take. Then he blinks twice and tilts his head for another view. There, sitting right beside Kyungsoo, is the male version of Flawless Min. The only person who could possibly embody the woman in the picture next to a drag queen Kyungsoo.

“Flawless Min?” he asks. Kyungsoo sends him a glare, Minseok laughs and nods and Joonmyun and Chanyeol turns to look at him questioningly.

“I thought he’d never tell anybody,” Minseok admits. Jongdae bites his lower lip and tries to get eye contact with Kyungsoo who has fixed his gaze on the meat.

“Tell anybody what?” Joonmyun asks. Chanyeol nudges Jongdae, hoping for a quick answer but gets nothing as Jongdae refuses to say another word. It’s not his fault that Kyungsoo invited Flawless Min to join them. Even though it’s without the drag, Jongdae’s mind still shows him the picture of two men dressed as queens in impeccable make-up.

“About the show,” Minseok says, drawing out his sentence as if he’s regretting he’s ever said anything. “I told him not to be ashamed of it, but …”

Kyungsoo lets his head fall onto the table, a piece of lettuce dangerously close to lodging itself in his hair.

“Ashamed of what?” Chanyeol is now looking curiously at Minseok, his eyes practically begging the smaller man to spill whatever beans Kyungsoo has been keeping secret.

“I’m a drag queen,” Kyungsoo mutters into the table. Everybody turns to look at him and he repeats it, higher this time around. “I’m a drag queen and no, you can’t come to the show Chanyeol.”

The protests that spread around the table has Jongdae exhaling in relief. He sends Kyungsoo a small smile and mouths a sincere apology. Despite it all, Kyungsoo seems somewhat relieved he doesn’t have to go around keeping it secret anymore because the response is not as frightening as he had thought it to be.

Joonmyun admits during dessert that he and Jiyeon has become a couple and that he’s now the step-father to her 2-year-old son. It takes attention off of Kyungsoo for a while and happiness slowly envelops them all.

 

Jongdae leans back in his chair and takes a look at the others. 10 years ago he’d been diagnosed and sent away to a life led in misery and mundanity. For 10 years he’d never dared to dream of ever finishing high school or meeting friends. He’d never sought out other people because people always left and Jongdae sat back, looking at the same yellow walls with the same nurses around. For 10 years of his life, the only thing he cared about was death.

Now, after fate left him in the hands of an elementary school teacher and his two friends, Jongdae sees life entirely different. There’s hope. There’s spontaneity and fun and there’s happiness. There’s the realization that even though he’s mentally ill and always will be, there will be people out there with him, people who struggle with life decisions like him and people who keeps secrets from their loved ones in fear. People may not be exactly like him, but that’s okay because Jongdae is no longer alone.

Life is strange and the people he has met are stranger but together, it’s all Jongdae could ever wish for.


End file.
